Addicted to love.

By Bobby Burcham.

A silver Porsche pulled to a stop near a sun bleached wooden fence. Sections of the fence were standing and other sections were either missing or lying on the ground.

A man with gray hair got out of the drivers side and went around to open the passenger side door.

A slim blonde in her early twenties got out smiling. Her long blonde hair was blowing in the wind from the ocean below.

She held the man by the arm and asked, “Why did you bring me here? Am I getting paid over time?” Her grin said she had hopes that she already knew.

The man smiled and hesitated. Then he said, “Tiffany, I brought you here to talk.”

“Ok, if that is what you want to call it. Are we going to tell me about how we can get more clients?”

He smiled at her attempt to make a joke. Then she said, “Honey, I’ve made a serious mistake. I’ve made many serious mistakes actually.”

She giggled and said, “Sounds like Mikhail’s been a naughty boy.”

“Please, dear, I’m serious. I’ve given you advancements and made promises just to get you to like me. What I’ve done is very unprofessional. And besides all of that I have to tell you something. I love you very much. In fact I’m deeply in love with you.”

She hugged him tightly and spoke with emotion, “Oh my darling, I love you too. That’s why I want to be your girlfriend.”

“Tiffany, I want your friendship, your respect and your empathy, but you can’t be my girlfriend. I’ve told you that I am married.”

“But you don’t love her and you said you’ve been unfaithful before.”

“Please listen to me. I have a long story to tell you. And when I am finished you will hate me.”

“I could never hate you.”

“You are very special to me. You are beautiful, creative and intelligent. I see a bright future for you. I wasn’t lying to you about that. You can go as far in the agency as you want to go. But not if you fall in love with me.”

“But I’ve never met anyone like you before. Why do you want to deny me your love?”

“I’m trying to get to that. But I’m not sure where to start. But please don’t interrupt me, ok?

“I was the first boy my wife dated. She has never been in love with anyone else. So she doesn’t know what it is like to love someone deeply and it didn’t work out. As far as I know, I am her first and only love. That is if she really loves me, which I often doubt. It seems more likely that she was only infatuated with me and then later developed a dependence on me.

“However, before I met her I was deeply in love with a girl and I got hurt deeply. I would have done anything for this girl. But one night we were on a date, and she got angry over a petty argument that wasn’t even my fault. She left the date with me and went riding with an older man. Her actions told me that she wanted a man and not an immature boy like me. At the time I was seventeen and she was sixteen.

“When a person like me falls deeply in love, no one else can fully replace her. Actually I still probably haven’t fully gotten over the hurt. It still affects my ability to trust any female. This is a deep hurt that leaves a painful emotional scar.

“This is the type of hurt that causes some men to commit suicide. This is the type of hurt that causes some men to torture and mistreat women. It is also the type of experience that causes some of us men to never be completely satisfied with only one partner.

“This last example describes me. Even as much as I may love and be attracted to one lady I can be very attracted to other ladies. It’s like if I can’t be with the first person I fall in love with, then I can never be fully satisfied with any other one person.

“Also, my wife can’t understand my past, or me. She is like a child. She doesn’t like to talk about my past or things like this. Compared to my world she lives in a child like fantasy world….”

As he paused she said, “I understand about your past. You’ve told me all this before.”

“Please Tiffany, let me finish, ok? I have tried many times to explain to my wife why I am the way I am. I have even told her that I would not blame her if she refused to tolerate me as I am and wanted to separate. I have also tried hard to be as perfect as she seems to expect me to be.

“I have overcome an addiction to alcohol. I have overcome an addiction to cigarettes. But I am still having much trouble overcoming my addiction to loving too much.

“Most of our 40 years together I have been faithful, even though I’ve been very tempted many times and even though I’ve had many opportunities and have turned many of them down. Tiffany, if you’ve never had an addiction you cannot possibly know what it is like. An addiction is something you desire, but you resist it, and the more you resist it the stronger the desire gets. And the addiction to love has to be the strongest addiction there is.

“It starts with an addiction to one person. Then when that relationship gets so painful that you can’t take the pain. You separate because of the pain. You continue to look for the love you once experienced. But you try to find it in someone else. But they can’t be the first person, so you can’t find satisfaction. So you continue looking. Soon you get to a point where it’s nearly impossible to say no to love.

“I’m trying to be painfully honest with you. I’m trying to warn you. I honestly tried to warn your friend Ashley. I guess I didn’t try hard enough. I guess I wasn’t honest enough with her early enough. Please don’t love me too much. I hope and pray that you are only teasing me and fantasizing when you say you want to be my girlfriend. Believe me when I say I can only hurt you.”

“But you haven’t hurt Ashley. She still loves you with all her heart. And I’m not jealous of her. I just want to love you too.”

“Dear, listen to me. Ashley is hurting. She puts on a good act, but I’ve hurt her. If she knew I was here with you it would hurt her. She was hurt before and I hate my self for hurting her more. This is why I have to stop what I’m doing. I have to find a way to stop my addiction.”

“Mikhail, you are scaring me.”

“I know. It scares me too”

“Are you telling me good-bye?”

Tears ran Mikhail’s wrinkled cheeks and his lips trembled. He finally groaned and hugged Tiffany tightly. He spoke barely above a whisper as he said, “Oh god, you’re not listening to me. I can’t say no to you. I know I will only hurt you, but I still can’t tell you good-bye.”